i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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