oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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