You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
