I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
