I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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