I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
