When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
