That's intense
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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