did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
