I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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