I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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