was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
