Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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