I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
