one two three fourrrrnication!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
