My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
