The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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