I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
A bitchslap is in order.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
