New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
