How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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