I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
