Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
