please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
