i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
