You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
