forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
