oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
