i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
