so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
