I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I puked a lego.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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