Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
