I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
