i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
