The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
