Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
