The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm at about main and main street
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
