o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
