in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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