As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
