dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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