Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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