If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
