I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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