If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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