i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I need water and some morals
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
