i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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