Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
