**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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