i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
