if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
youre lurking in front of me
Barsexuality is the new black.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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