Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And then he peed in my hair
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