My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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