tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
