nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
