There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
