Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
youre lurking in front of me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
